...no see.  So.  What's happened?

Got the job.  I feel no joy.  In fact, all I feel is a lingering sense of unease.  Like maybe I shouldn't have signed the contract because maybe I'm just not cut out for living in Japan.  But I sent the paperwork and now I've just got nerves sitting in my stomach all the time.

Continue to be rather unwell.  Had a major allergic reaction to something or other that made my right eye swell up, turn violently red, and gum itself shut.  I was convinced it was pink eye, but apparently not according to the doctor.  Had two colds and a case of bronchitis.  Cough also continues persistently.  I honestly don't know if it's allergies or pollution, but it did seem to improve when I got out of the city.

Had a week off and went to my old stomping grounds in Kyoto with a couple of friends.  Not sure entirely how I felt about anything there.  I missed the Kansai region terribly and it was so unbelievably nice to have conversations with human beings who were not my boss or my students.  Coming back was insanely difficult and I did seriously consider just jumping off the Shinkansen in Nagoya.

It doesn't help that the friends I was with were not friends who were with me the first time around, and so I couldn't share my incredible nostalgia pains with them very well.  Walking down the river and past the first restaurant I ever ate at in Japan and the place where I took kimono classes and all that.  I couldn't bring myself to go to my host family's neighborhood.  The sight of Toji from the JR was bad enough.

What was supposed to be a week of relaxing didn't really seem to relax me.  I'm in sore need of unbiased advice, but I'm not willing to shell out the hundred+ dollars I'd need to go back to the shrink.

In any case, I'm going to send in my resume to the Japanese consulate in Boston because really it can't hurt anything and more than likely they'll turn me down because I have zero experience in politics.

I did break down and buy SQ Jump solely for the new Kenshin story from Watsuki.  I like how his drawing style has changed, but I haven't started the actual story yet.

So.  That's where I am.

~Jade

Behold new footage that literally made me writhe with joy.  Kenshin talks like Kenshin, Kaoru looks like Kaoru, and holy shit Saitoh!  Now all I'm afraid of is that they'll try to pack too much into one movie.  If they're smart, they're planning for a sequel.

Click the pretty link so you too may squee like a fangirl.

First, a thanks to Rikki for the adorable little dragon.  I think I'll name him Beaux.

Now, an in depth description of my very brief trip to Guam.


( Cut for extreme length. )
~Jade

Update?  I guess.

Mostly I'm just writing to record a dream, or rather part of a dream, because I only remember this bit.  A great-horned owl flying at me and landing on my elbow, which I had crooked out just for him.  He was heavy and warm and even though this dream was at least 12 hours ago, if I close my eyes, I can still feel the weight of him there.  It was/is strangely comforting, especially because I knew he was holding back on squeezing too hard with his talons, just so he wouldn't hurt me.

Anyway, I'm medicated.  It's helping in the sense that I am significantly less miserable.  I do not hate my job any less, however.  And I'm far too much of a coward to tell my boss exactly how crappy her business has made my life, so we'll see how long it takes before I lose my temper with this shit.  Previous experience has shown me that unless you're a very special person (who happens to wear a bathrobe) my patience will almost always outlast your annoying-ness.

Christmas was ok.  I think Kantrix enjoyed it here, but am honestly not sure.  I still feel hideously guilty for not flying home, but it's in the past and I don't need Rafiki to beat me over the head to remind me of that.  I should write to pass the time, but clearly I'm not doing that very well either.  Or translate.  Or study the Japanese I'm fucking forgetting even though I live in fucking Japan.  Ok.  Maybe I am losing my temper a titch, but whatever. 

Anyway, ficcage was updated, so Ima go read that.

~Jade

ps.  Stupid chest thing is back.  My biggest fear is that I have an AVM on my heart or lungs, but there's no easy way for me to test it, so guess we'll just hope that I don't keel over dead.  Watch my mom flip out when I tell her.

Merry Christmas (for those of you in the states.)  For everyone else, I'm a day late, but still.

I was going to attempt to sort of semi-update, but I don't know what to say.  I basically have no life outside of work, and I still don't like my work life.  I mean, I joined a choir, but I see them once a week and they are all at least thirty years older than me except the one high schooler.  This is going nowhere.  Maybe I should just quite while I'm behind.

Cloti kick is still going strong, but decent Cloti fiction is incredibly difficult to find.  Now that I've scoured through the favorites of all the best authors, there's not much left it seems.

I'm also sick enough to feel miserable but not quite sick enough to justify not going to work (not to mention I need a doctor to vouch for me.)  Also, I fear any prolonged period of me being away from work will result in me never returning.  I keep poking wistfully through jobs listings and wondering what would happen if I just ran off with no warning.  Nothing good I'm sure.  But there was a job in Hachinohe that I stared at for a really long time.

~Jade

My fic over at the RK Fic Exchange is live. I don't think it sounds particularly like me or the subject matter I usual tackle, but it's kind of short and sweet, which is surprising given my general state of mind these days. Anyway, it's over this a way.

Irish Creme

In other news, my mother may have inadvertently fucked my chances at my dream job for next year.  Fuck.
~Jade

And I have no metal storm windows (See massive Typhoon Roke in Japan.) So comforting. I guess they don't worry as much if you live on the second story.

I keep meaning to update, but it always feels like all I have to update with is whinging and complaining and being generally depressing and no one likes to read that shit.

I'm generally unhappy with brief windows of happiness. We'll leave it at that.

I need to get working on various drabbles and sundries and translations and all the things I keep putting off.

And my windows are rattling off their frames. This is not much fun. Someone get on Skype and talk to me! Pretty please?

~Jade

I have internet! I'm very happy about this, because it's been hard to get all the bad news from home at work, with my bosses constantly asking about how I'm doing.

I enjoy teaching, but I'm frankly kind of pissed off at my superiors. Yes, let's tip the girl who's fresh out of college and has no real teaching experience straight into teaching 15+ classes a week. That will work well. I'm already contemplating my next move in life, but I'm trying to be open-minded and all that shit.

It doesn't help that I'm crushingly lonely. I'm roughly five hundred miles from any close friends and an ocean away from my family. Having to go through Grandma's death on zero support was not easy in any way shape or form. I'm thinking about joining a local choir, though, which would in theory make things easier. Even if all they sing is pop music. And nearly all the members are at least twenty-five years older than me. Except one girl. She looks like she might be my age. The director is helping me look for classical groups, but if that fails, it must be this. I can't live without music, and the human contact is just as important.

Maybe cooking classes, too, if I can afford it. I still haven't gotten my first bills and it's making me nervous because I don't know if my money will hold out.

Anyway. Maybe I'll try and be more detailed later.

~Jade

My grandmother passed away last night. It has not been my summer. I wrote this late in the night to cope with the grief, so please forgive anything errantly mistaken.

( Reflection )